The Difference Between Therapy and Coaching
“I get more out of meeting with you than meeting with my therapist at this point.”
A client said this to me last week. We talked about what this meant to her, as I am very clear about the boundaries between coaching and therapy and not afraid to speak to those when necessary. There is, however, some overlap, so I thought I'd come explore that a bit here since it's something people sometimes wonder about.
Both therapy and coaching can create space for self-examination and reflection. Both can create space for identifying and changing patterns. Both can be a space for sitting with oneself with greater honesty and compassion. And both can have a focus on actively taking steps to reorient and live in greater alignment with one's values.
My work as a coach is probably best described as a combination of spiritual direction, practical experimentation, and gentle cognitive and behavioral shifts. These may or may not have to do with writing and creativity, though that is certainly a common factor with many of the folks who choose to work with me. It's completely client-driven, meaning I have no agenda other than to help my client meet their own self-identified goals. These might be entirely tactical, or they might be more focused on the inner landscape. It's all connected.
Oftentimes, I find it is incredibly powerful simply to have a witness, someone who knows the journey you're on and will remind you when you lose track and help you reconnect with -- and trust -- your strengths. In my experience, gentle, consistent accountability goes a very, very long way, as does knowing someone is in your corner.
What is the difference, then?
Well, for one thing, training. Therapists, depending on someone's background and credentials, undergo many years of intensive coursework, practica, and supervision. Some coaches also have many years of training, but certifications and supervision are not mandated. As a coach, my personal integrity to know when I am not the right person for the job is crucial, and I have had clients where it was clear to me I was out of my depth or they needed a different kind of support. This has almost always had to do with trauma and instances where a person's mental health needs were making it difficult or impossible for them to move forward.
I was talking with someone on Friday about expertise -- what it means and when it is important. And at the end of the day, I think a major component of being an expert comes down to what you've spent the most amount of time practicing. Sometimes, this involves degrees and external benchmarks. Sometimes, not. Since the first coaching workshop I attended in 2001, I have felt that this work is where I belong: meeting people where they are, with open eyes, ears, mind, and heart, to dive below the noise of the outside world, the static of self-criticism, and the din of doubt and fear, to where knowing lives. From there, a person can retrieve some treasures and bring them out into the world in whatever ways feel most true. It is one of the greatest privileges to do this work.
When a different client, a woman in her 70s who is herself a therapist and a deeply spiritual person, asked me to be her "rabbi" more so than her writing coach, I agreed. I also went to *my* rabbi to talk to him about it. Was this kosher, I wanted to confirm, knowing that a rabbi is not something you play on TV or dress up as for Halloween. It's not a title one can just toss around or should take lightly. We talked at length about it. He observed that in the past, a rabbi could simply put a hand on a student's head and offer smicha, or ordination, on the spot, deeming an individual a teacher of Jewish tradition. He said as long as she and I were both clear on what she meant by me being her "rabbi," it was not problematic.
To know one's place, without illusion (or delusion), and to be fully transparent about both the capacities and limitations of one's abilities and knowledge seems to be the key thing here.
On the one hand, I don't get overly caught up in labels and titles (and truth be told, don't identify with much of the world of coaching in the way it often manifests either), but on the other, it feels important to touch on all of this from time to time.
Language matters, words matter, and being responsible as a professional matters deeply to me. If you're wanting some guidance and support but not sure what you need, feel free to reach out. I'm always happy to chat.